tifanie23's blog

Annual Check In

I forget I have a blog.  Again, it has been nearly a year since my last post. Forgive me, Father. Or whomever. When last I wrote, Paul and I had just gotten engaged and I was about to AD Neighborhood 3 and then do the scenic design for Forbidden Zone. But one thing I didn't mention was that I had also  found a large lump in my breast on Thanksgiving. I actually didn't mention it to almost anyone until mid January. I was scared to death, avoiding the doctor until January when my new health insurance plan would make testing more affordable (stupid decision), convinced it was cancer, and simply did not know what the hell to do.

I don't think I've ever had a more dark emotional time or felt so helpless, angry and tied up in knots. Because I was holding off on seeing the doctor, I mistakenly felt I shouldn't tell my friends or Paul lest they then worry just as much as I.  Finally, January came and through a series of exams and ultrasounds, I was given a clean bill of health. Thankfully. It was beyond energizing, and it put a few things in perspective- yes, the corny things about the value of each day, the importance of love, and the fact it is ok to ask for help. To share my burdens with my friends. It was a difficult set of lessons, but I needed to learn them. I am much more aware of my body and health now. Not that I always treat my body as a temple, but at least I'm not treating it like a toolshed.

So, Neighborhood 3 went pretty gloriously. It was nice to get to work with Jaime, and to recall some of my old directing techniques and to work with actors who were gifted and eager to play. It made me realize how much I missed directing. I think it's time to look for a project for next year in that regard. Then it was immediately on to Forbidden Zone, the beast of a show that consumed several months of my "spare" time and casued me to drop 20 lbs. Which I won't complain about. I had amazing, heroic help with the build and the decorating and it was completed at long last. I was bruised, sore, brain damaged from chemical fumes, and severely exhausted. But if I do say so myself, it turned out to be a very interesting and creative set, and the show was also well received. I did a little late night comedy during both runs, too.

Once FZ was up it was time to move on to the most important production of all, Paul and I's wedding. Oh my goodness. We really worked our tails off on origami, book folding and other crafty stuff for months. We had several cake tastings with Jonny, who inexplicably volunteered to make our cake for free. We had hair trials with Matt, food tastings at Scarantino's, this great little Italian place I found near the venue, and wine tastings. I know, sounds really rough, right? But the preparations were pretty consuming, and everything was done on a shoestring budget. Of course, even on a teeny budget, it has made our debt level more ridiculous, but it was already pretty ridiculous to begin with. We had a sort of 1920's literary theme, as our venue was an old library in Eagle Rock that I found through a link Adriana shared with me.

During the prep,  Adriana and David had their beautiful baby boy, Sebastian, and he is our god nephew and he is just the most magical creature ever. He absolutely kills me with joy every time I see him. I am so happy for the the three of them and so elated that we can be near as he grow up.

And Mary and Aaron also completed DMV during this time, so that was also monumental and they flew to a festival in the Netherlands they were being featured in. And I finally got an Imdb credit- yay!

I also worked on what may become a web series or a pilot, or something. It's hilarious, the other actors are intimidatingly great, and it may in time make me eligible for SAG. All good things.

So, it was finally October and days before the wedding and Brandy, Ari, Amber, Missy and Katie arrived. They helped us stage all of the beverages and supplies and then we had a lovely, intimate dinner at Casa Bianca that helped calm my savage nerves. The next night was a grand fete, Mary and Adriana threw a girlie party for me with homeade pizza, great snacks and bevvies and the worl'd most decadent cupcakes. Then we piled in cabs at went to the Hotel Figueroa, which was perfect for meeting my sister and Dennis and all of the bachelor party boys and other out of town friends.

Suddenly it was morning and time to have Matt, who is an ANGEL, do our hair, which was very complex in my case, a full on finger wave and barrel curl extravaganza. The day flew by, with a moment of panic when the liason for the venue was not there to let us in, but I called and he arrived quickly thereafter. Paul and I ran through our dance, the Foxtrot, which we had been practicing in our living room for a few months. It was probably the most fun aspect of all of the preparations, and Paul is a great leader. I'm glad we had that brief time to practice, because it helped bring me back into my body just enough to get through the madness that was preparing the venue in 3 hours time. We had some rental item issues, but our amazing friends solved all problems.

Our old acting professor/director/friend Paul Ford was kind enough to walk me down the aisle. After I got ready with my sister and came up the stairs, all of the stress melted. The room was so full of love I practically floated down the aisle. Mikey Holmes was a smooth, charming and delightful minister, and The Endless sang a darling 20's song as part of the ceremony. We made our vows and people cried and we took photos with Haven and ate and danced and drank and had cake and the most marvelous time. Matt assembled a genius crew and ran the show most swimmingly. It was difficult to say goodbye to our out of town friends, but we were so happy that they could come.

The next day we cleaned up, unloaded and visited with my sister and Dennis before taking off to Maui.

Yes, Maui- who'd have thunk it? All made possible by my boss, who has been so incredible. We stayed in her condo in Napili for 3 days, then stayed in a bamboo cottage in Hana for the other three. We did nearly everything and only what we wanted to do, with the help of kind contributions from our loved ones. A luau, great dinners, underwater fish sightings, rainbows, wine, waterfalls, lava tubes, bamboo forests, a beautiful arboretum, flowers, beaches, rain, jeep explorations, hiking, you name it. It was incredibly romantic, incredibly wild, incredibly life affirming.

Being married to Paul is a beautiful thing.

Since we've been back, we'e been taking it fairly easy, a little acting, a little socializing. Now I am about to put up a set for Puzzler in the next few weeks, and then am moving on to production design for Endgame, which Paul is directing and I am so excited about. Also looking to propose a late night show for summer or fall with our dear friend Mark.

In the coming year I hope to act more. I hope that work picks up. I hope that everone I love is merry and well. It has been raining for 6 days and then sun has finally burst through the clouds. I'm alive, and happy and that's really all there is to say.

9 Months

It's been. Probably the busiest 9 months of my life since I was in college. Maybe busier. When last I wrote, I was coming off of a show and a fundraiser at Sacred Fools, and just settling in with Paul. So many things have happened since, it's hard to remember them all. But here goes:

In April, the Universe granted me a great boon and my boss informed me there was a free trip to Cairo in June if I wanted to go, which of course, I DID. I attended a trade show for some of the time, but mostly did everything I ever dreamed of as a girl and then some. I saw the pyramids and Sphinx, I went inside the Great Pyramid, I toured the museum, I went to Memphis and Saqquara, King Farouk's former castle, saw a whirling dervish, saw papyrus being made, ate magnificent food, and rode a falucca on the Nile under a full moon. And even had time to bask in the intense sun by the hotel pool for a few hours. Of course, I could write pages and pages about this five day trip and someday I will. I desperately want to take Paul back there and tour south to the Valley of the Kings and Queens. I never thought I would make it to Cairo, or that I would be quite the elderly maiden if I did. Not so. Meant to be, meant to be, meant to be.

So that was early June. In May, Paul and I went to the lovely wedding of Padraic and Emily in Oregon and had such a wonderful time. Highlights included crazy karaoke with locals, and Paul's understanding of my pathological reaction the the song "Come on Eileen" at the reception, which, if you know me, causes me to run until I am out of earshot. The ceremony was beautiful, the hospitality amazing, the country so wild and verdant. I will never forget the great oak tree they got married under. Divine.

In mid to late June, I appeared in 3 late night Serial Killers with my sweetie, in the amazing "A Cat Wrote This Play" by the aforementioned Padraic. July- I'm sure things happened. August- a mad rush for the fall fundraiser at the theatre- we transformed the place into 5 different environs for the upcoming 3 plays and it was absolute madness. We pulled it off, somehow, but man- that was a TON of painting, hanging, coordinating, cleaning and CHAOS. But we made a nice little nugget, and I did not kill anyone. Ahem.

August- Paul and I went to Seattle and Port Townsend, where I performed Brandy and Ari Grey's wedding by the lighthouse and the sea. I saw old friends and introduced Paul to a few new friends and we had a huge laugh fest sharing an old NCO rental home with Miss Amber for a few days. My, what a good time we had! And what a wonderful couple. 

September - I was approaching work burnout- I can't even seem to tally the number of out of town trips I took for work,  or how much work I accomplished this year, partially due to a smaller staff. Too much, I tell ya. But Egypt made me more amenable to it, for sure. Missy flew me out, like the saint she is,t o Houston, and I finally met her angelic little girls. It was so lovely and sweet and I am so happy to see what a beautiful life and family she and Matt have made together. I could not afford to go on a big vacation, so I took a 10 day trip to SF and slept on my sweet friends' couches. I got to see Tammarra on her way out, Gabe, Lisa, Sheila, Mary, Leeann, and Rossana in her new digs. I was able to celebrate Gabe's bday with him, which was choice. Of course, Lisa and I went to Buena Vista Park, and she showered me with healing stones and wisdom. Of course I got my favorite sandwich at Blue Front, which I wish I could have all the time. One day I was able to go to all of my favorite thrift stores and find the kinds of treasures LA cannot yield. 

Paul joined me for the last 4 days and that was lovely. We even got to play with Gabe, Ro, and Joe Jordan at the Tonga Room one night, and wandered Chinatown like truant teenagers. Gabe took us to Twin Peaks and Tank Hill and we got great city views.  Paul and I saw Sheila's Julius Caesar in San Rafael, and then had a glorious walk through Muir Woods. Just a few hours in that place rejuvenated us both and got us on a kick to try our best to see more of our National Parks. Just divine. Paul and I drove home together, and as always, I felt like I was leaving my soul's winter home.

I believe LA is my soul's summer home. LA is my blonde, SF is my brunette. 

And then it was October, and the SK piece I was in with Paul came back for 2 nights of an extended version of the series. It had won the SK playoffs, so that was the payoff. It was great fun. I participated in my 2nd Instant Films as a  writer, which went...ok. But my car got hit in the parking lot, then hit again in the same damn place on my way home from the repair shop. It was kind of a saga. Kind of funny, in retrospect.

And then it was time for more weddings. I performed Mary and Aaron's ceremony in Malibu, in the famous spot we had received our public drinking fines a few summers ago. Luckily, no arrests were made. The reception at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion was lovely, and Mary was radiant in her 40's styel ensemble. So glamorous. Then Halloween, with Paul and I pulling out two different costume sets from thin air. Then it was Elena and Max's wedding, which I did not perform, but was wonderful. Taking Paul to Santa Barbara for the first time since I had lived there with my ex was a bit emotional. But it was very, very cathartic. Paul has the ability to wipe the cobwebs from my mind's rooms and flood darkened doorways with the light of the sun. He is magic and I am always proud to be on his arm. Elena was beautiful in red. Sigh...

Thanksgiving with the Rozes was wonderful. They are going to have a bay-be. So are Maiello and Natasha. So are Mary Madia and Joe. Babies!!! And then in November, I was cast in Magnum Opus Theatre, the other late night show, and had 3 performances in early December. I did more Serial Killers pieces, and completely overextended myself.  Paul and I stayed here for Christmas and New Years, and it was so damn nice. We got a tree, which the kitties loved and slept over and mourned when we took it away. I performed on New Year's Eve, and danced the night away. 

Then the very best thing happened on January 2nd when my Paul asked me to marry him. I was completely surprised and cried like a baby. We're gonna do it! Nothing could be more right. I have no idea how we can afford a wedding, but we will find a way.

Next week I am going down the rabbit hole: AD'ing for the next show at the Fools, then set designing the one after that. If I thought the last nine months was crazy...this next 9 months might blow my little mind. I am ready for more goodness. I am blessed.

Oh, It's April Now?

I knew it had been a while. It's been about 6 months, which follows perfectly the feeling of time slipping into the future that I have been pointedly experiencing lately. More and more each day. I'm sitting on my couch in my new apartment that I share with Paul, and Piaf and O' Hara. Let me back up a bit. Last November I was just starting to dip my toes into the auditioning process again. A few weeks later, I was cast in a show at Sacred Fools called Resignation Day. I played 5 small parts, one of which was a dancing Richard Nixon. One of them involved a fat suit. Yeah, it was that kind of play. And although at first I felt so alien going to rehearsals again and spending my evenings in the comforting yet foreign church of theatre, I soon became familiar with the acting part of myself that I had put away for so long, and started to have fun again. It felt really, really fucking good.

The show opened in January, and closed two days before my birthday. While not everyone loved the entire show, I got a few nice mentions in the reviews, and lots of lovely feedback from friends and a number of Fools whom I respect, which was good for my ailing lil' actor ego. I met a handful of new friends, and became closer with a few people at the theatre that I never thought I would get to know. Shockingly, during the course of the show, one of our most talented members of the theatre took his own life, and a dear friend happened to be the one to find him. Of course, this put a huge damper on everything that was happening on stage and off. Hugely tragic, terribly senseless, heartbreaking. Yet, the way that his friends and fellow artists banded together was probably the most overwhelming and touching thing I have ever experienced. Now I don't feel like just a member of a company, I feel like a part of a community.        

When the show closed, I took a short break then launched into fundraiser planning for the theatre. The April Fool's Day event was fabulous, we raised a good sum for the theatre, and I became closer with a few more members of SF, which was very nice. I may be doing some set designing and assistant directing over the coming season there. I don't know about acting. I know I want to continue, but I want to find a good role in a strong play, perhaps at another venue, that I can invite casting directors and agents to come see, as I am still unrepresented. It's nice to feel confident enough in my acting abilities again to be willing to pursue new opportunities and believe that I deserve them. Pretty huge stuff for me.

Other than the theatre involvement, some even huger things have been concurrently afoot. At Christmastime, Paul and managed to find a wonderful new apartment and put a deposit down the day before we went home to ABQ together, the first time we had been in that city together since we first met 16 years ago. He met Sunshine and Toastie, Adriana P., Mike and Tash, and even my kooky old Pops. Everyone loved Paul, as well they should. And the train trip we took there and back with Mary and Aaron was a wonderful way to travel, I'd highly recommend it- get a sleeper car and enjoy the scenery. It was very romantic and such a nice buffer between home and destination. It was a quick trip, but so debaucherous and fun. I think I'm getting too old to party that hard. In fact, I know I am. 

We returned and began packing, in the midst of my show run. We had a nice 2 week buffer, so we did much of the moving ourselves, with a few sweet friends stepping in to help with unwieldy things at the end. Seriously, I still have no idea how we managed to fit all of our things in here. But we did, with a huge amount of paring down on Paul's part. He's been in his last apt a long time, and had stacks and stacks of everything. So, you know me, I did a whole floorplan to work out how we could best place all of our treasures in the new place, and nested relentlessley until everything was done, thus exposing my man to my latent OCD behavior and slavedriving tendencies when faced with unhung pictures, unplaced knicknacks, and the taunting evil of straggling unpacked boxes. He was very good, tirelessly putting up drapery hardware and adjusting furniture. I sure do love him. It is a nice thing to be understood and accepted.

2 weeks later, we got Piaf and O'Hara on Valentine's day.They are sister kitties, about 8 months old, and they are beautiful furry princesses. Piaf (who regrets nothing) is a little stripey brown tabbie, like Desdemona, but utterly unlike Desdemona. She's crazy about Paul, and will not leave him alone, especially when he writes. She is very cuteiful, with round golden eyes, and will chase her own tail. O'Hara (who loves pulling down thedrapery) is bigger, a lanky glamourous grey thing with green eyes, we think part Russian Blue. She can jump very, very high and she likes to lick my armpits. Right now they are sleeping beside me, with their arms around each other. 

Other than allergies and asthma, which I now have meds for, they have been a dream. Well, O'Hara did pee in Amber's bag when she and Brandy came for a visit. I think she thought it was a new litter box. Having the girls here in the new home was grand, as was having Gabe visit a few weeks prior. Our new place feels like it has been our place forever, and our cats feel like they have been our cats forever. We are blessed, blessed, blessed. What a different place I am in now compared to two years ago at this time, when my life was such a shapeless thing. Yes, there are still question marks. Will my job survive the economic mess? Why can't I seem to write a new play? When will I lose that 10 pounds that I keep talking about? What about kids? How the hell will I ever retire at this rate? But there will always be questions, and that's ok. The rest of this year stretches before me, marked by affirmationsof life and love in the form of visits with friends and weddings of beautiful couples, two of which I will perform. 

Life is full enough, perfect in its imperfection.

So what if I don't have all the answers?

Maybe the questions are half the fun...

It Don't Come Easy

For most of us. Here I am, at 34, running around town auditioning for things and paying hard earned money to go in front of casting directors and agents in a last-ditch effort to recapture the fruits of my earlier escapades in the acting arena. Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself. Nothing quite so good for the ego as being the oldest person in a room by at least a decade, having these agent types look at you quizzically, as if you have stepped out of some historical novel where people actually age and have curves. 

Man oh man, it is some silly shit I am getting myself up to! The strange part is I feel largely disconnected to it. I'm doing it, I'm going through the motions, but I am having quite a time trying to make myself give a shit about it. I suppose that could be a defensive reflex, trying not to internalize rejection, but I honestly don't think so. These people, these actors and agent type creatures and so forth just strike me as a crowd I don't belong to and will never belong to. I don't want to insinuate that I am above it all, but what the hell? I am! I am so fucking above it all!

So it's actually kind of a kick, when it's not entirely nauseating. It may be that nothing will come of my efforts, but at least I will then be able to hang up my proverbial head shot and say, "Well, it was worth a go." without wondering what could have been. And without having to repeat my mother's famously lamentable phrase regarding lost opportunities, "Shoulda, coulda, woulda, didn't." So...yeah. We shall see what comes of it all.

Theatrically speaking, I am now a member of Sacred Fools, which means I can propose work there at some point, which is nice. I have been doing some work in the building to help it pass a fire code inspection, which has been therapeutic and rewarding. I auditioned for a show there last night, not sure at all how it went, but...it went. And so it goes, and on and on and on.

Another thing that goes on is the elevator in my building now having been broken for 4 months. They best fix it soon, so I can move out of this place and into a new place with my darling in February. I have been scoping out Craigslist to get a feel for what is out there. It is unlikely we will be saving any money by moving in together, but that's besides the point. The point is coming home to one another and waking up with one another and sharing more of our lives together. I am never happier than in his arms, never more comfortable than when I am at his side. I always thought it was corny when people talked of being someone's other half and vice versa, but when it's true, it's true. And it is good.

That brings me to 43 Plays for 43 Presidents, which ended in late October. I had no idea how Paul and I would work together artistically, especially on such a demanding and intense show comprised of 43 separate units, if we would fight, if things would fall apart, if it would all hang together, if I was capable of making over 100 props and creating a set, etc, etc, etc. But I am happy to report it all went unbelievably well. I learned so much, I slept so little, I created so many things with my two hands (and with some great help from company members and friends) that it is almost difficult to compute. And working with Paul was as much of a joy as playing with him. 

The show came together so dramatically in the last few days before opening that it really blew my mind. Mary did the costumes and they were beautiful. The actors worked their asses off and Paul's direction was brilliant, as always. I made a great new friend in one of our producers, Haven, and it was wonderful to be around my friend Mike and watch him grow so much onstage in the process. Lisa and Gabe came to town to see the show, which was lovely. Somewhere in there Paul and I got to see David Byrne at the Greek, which was a ridiculously jubilant experience. Reviews for the play were uniformly glowing, and my set got a nice mention in the LA Times, which made me blush slightly. By the last two weekends, we were consistently sold out and could have extended had there not been things already scheduled in the space. We had a lovely cast party at Adam's place and I think I drank 8 cups of Hennessey cider and then got into the jacuzzi. I was pretty much toast after that.

The following weekend was Halloween, and Paul and I went as The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend, from the Venture Bros.  We had a blast with Maaron and the Rozes and the late nights spent sewing were so worth it, our costumes rocked. Then Election Night happened and Paul and I had a very emotional and relieved evening together, and I could feel the knots loosening in my neck that had been hardening over the past few months, expecting a repeat of voting shenanigans like in the last two "elections". I am not ashamed to say that for the first time (yes, really), I am proud of our country. 

And then I launched into the actory type stuff mentioned above. Which brings this post full circle. 

My god, what a hell of a couple of months!

Let's hope the next few are a bit more restful.

 

The Last 111 Days

Sounds like a good title for an apocalyptic novel. Or perhaps a flick. But it's also the amount of time since my last posting. See, I'm getting better. So where do I begin? Let's see, my honey and I went to Seattle and Blaine and Lynden, WA for a week, as planned. My sister and her husband picked us up in Seattle and we sat up drinking, making fun of the brain surgeon yuppie convention in the lobby of the W (yes, I'm hotel dropping, deal with it) and then got up in the AM and went to the Underground. Holy hell, what a history that place has. I love that the person who has given the 2nd largest amount of money to the city next to Bill Gates was a prostitute and that at one time, there was a regular daily shit geyser in your privy when tide came in. The sin and greed and lust involved in the amoebic spread of that city is just epic and so very American. 

Then we went to Blaine, which is very near the water, and Paul and I slept as much as possible and my wonderful sister fed us and entertained us and took us to see quaint things and my mother, who has shrunk so much I couldn't believe it. She liked my boy, of course and he was wonderful the whole time, sitting through the thin anecdotes that surround my childhood. Sigh. Mom lives in Lynden, which is a Dutch town with many bakeries and antique shops and a huge cemetery which flanks the entry to the town, with a sign proclaiming, "Welcome To Lynden". The black humor of this does not escape my mother, of course, who says things like, "They'll let you in, but won't let you out." I'm not sure if she is entirely happy there, or would be anywhere, but I hope she comes to be. She said she's trying some yoga, which is one of the cutest things I have ever heard. Paul snapped a picture of the three of us smiling at once, which is rare indeed.

Did I mention he's perfect to travel with?

My sis also took us to the Canadian border, which was a kick. There's a park you can walk around in which is a free zone where you can stand with one foot in Canada and one in the US. We took pictures. Then we headed to Seattle to see Blum and his lady and they made us a truly wonderful dinner and we reminisced on the pretty times done did of Albuquerque. They are doing pretty good there, from what I can see. Then we went into Seattle proper and stayed at the Sheraton for a few nights and met up with Paul's friend Rick and Piper, who made us another lovely dinner and I got to finger paint with their really adorable children. 

And then we saw Amber, who came from Portland in Ari's car and she and Paul hit it off pretty well, and I met her adorable dog, Abernathy Langston Hughes, and we went to the Space Needle and did fun things and then wonderful, engaged Brandy and Ari came on the train and we had mass amounts of fun and inebriation and it was all far too short and I stuck my finger up a oversized troll nose. And we found the world's greatest candy. Celtic Sea Salt Caramels. Perfect.

When we got back to town, Gabe and Josh and Mike B came down from SF and we played a bit and then started full force into The Play and that, my friends, is a portion of the story that will have to be continued at a later time because it deserves a full post, and it still as one more weekend of performance to go and memories to make, and there's just too much wonderfulness to talk about. Plus, I really have to sleep.

5 Months, 7 Days

I don't know how is is possible that it has been so long since I blogged. The time has truly flown by. I have been dream journaling a little, but mostly just working like a madwoman and enjoying the sweetest love with Paul. I have been living without a kitty friend in a teeny studio in the middle of this vast wasteland of possibilities. When I first moved in, I was is quite a state, having not lived alone in 15 years. I didn't know what to do with myself but have recently begun to feel more at home. I figure by the time I am comfortable, it will be time to go. 

My sweetie and I have been blissfully happy and there are many nights we are together, which are my favoritest. Next year we plan to shack up, and I cannot wait for that happiness, to see him at the end and beginning of each day. He is my solace and my joy and the other, better half of me. But in between now and then, the time alone is good and needed as there are many things to sort out in my noggin after having been through a 5 year whirlwind of courtship, marriage and divorce. Sometimes it is difficult to keep my mind still, as there are so many things I want to do and so little time to do them in. I don't know if this is a phenomenon of aging, or if I just am trying to do too many things all at once.

How can one ever know?

Work is continually increasing my stress level, and I don't know how much longer I can keep up the hectic pace. In addition to that, I have finally gotten head shots and am planning to start auditioning in a few months, once the show I am designing the set for is up. Yes, life is busy. Yes, life is full. I also got my first speeding ticket in my new jalopy and have to deal with the nastiness of a court appearance. I think. Oh, the joys of urban living. My budget is dismally wee, and yet I somehow find a way to make the ends come together and that is a blessing.

I am always reminding myself of that, and other favors, small and large, that the universe is granting me. And trying to get better at seeing them. The forest for the trees. The knees of the bees. I'm tired, I don't know really what I'm talking about.

Next week Paul and I go to Seattle to see my mom and sis and his old stomping ground and Michael B. and Brandi, Ari and Amber. It is the sort of calm before the storm of more work deadlines, out of town work trips, set building and organizational wackinesses. I am hoping that this will be a time to recharge my batteries, recoup my cool, and consider my own future. 

Goodness knows it is upon me all the time. Upon us all. 

***

The Queen of All She Surveyed

Catty friend

Desdemona was born in the summer or 1992. I had just graduated high school and my friend Kevin, aka Toast, or Mostie took it upon himself to invite a certain Miss Sunshine and myself to a gathering and let us just say that we entered an altered state together, hitherto unknown to us. Though I had never liked Miss Sunshine, for reasons that turned out to be utterly nonsense, she and I bonded that night and have had the most extraordinary friendship I have ever known. And at one point that evening, after we stumbled into the little cottage that I would later share with her, in a close quarters situation that would have ended lesser friendships entirely, she announced that she had a box of kittens in the other room. Kittens? I was there in a heartbeat.

I remember being charmed by one of her littermates, a little black one, but Desdemona took one look at me, crawled up my shirt and put her little face in mine and meowed loudly. She was letting me know I belonged to her, and she went home with me as soon as she was weaned. Or mostly weaned, anyway. She never did stop the making of biscuits with her sharp little claws all over me, but that was just one of her many charms. That crazy little gato! She used to stalk everything and pounce madly, including bread ties, knickknacks on windowsills, human eyeballs, and on one particularly hilarious evening, a certain (lousy) lover’s genitalia.

She loved to catch grasshoppers, lizards, birds, moths, and once a baby bunny that I think had been a neighbor’s pet. When she was “fixed”, the assholes at Vetco left an entire ovary inside of her, which I did not find out about until she had to have surgery two years later to remove it. Before the 2nd surgery, she was a very naughty cat and always had boyfriends hanging around the porches at 1st Street, and she did with them what she pleased. After the ovary went away, she calmed down a bit, but always hung out with ruffians. She was once friends with “The Bad Cat”, a sewer dwelling scavenger who looked so much like her that when he was run over by a car years later, my boyfriend at the time came in crying, believing Des was gone. I felt bad for feeling so relieved when I saw it wasn’t her, but hey, The Bad Cat was kind of an asshole, always sneaking into the house and hissing and growling and spitting when we tried to get him to leave, as if we were intruding on him.

Desdemona moved to Albany with me, where she fell in love with Myshi Gato, Brandy’s male version of Desdemona, but haughtier. She would sit and stare at that cat for hours, obviously pining. He tolerated her- I’m pretty sure he liked the attention. Then we ended up in San Francisco, where she learned to go out on the fire escape and sit for hours watching the birds fly out of Golden Gate and Buena Vista Park. She loved sunshine, as most cats do. Santa Barbara was a heaven for her with the cat door and backyard full of wild creatures, which she was fascinated with and let come in the house as they liked. One day she and her brother cat were found by my ex-husband hanging out in the living room with a posse of skunks. They looked very guilty to be caught and I have to wonder what else happened when the humans were gone in that place. In Santa Monica, she played footsie under apartment doors with the neighbor cats and loved to smell the rose bushes. Here in the hood, she would often sit and sun herself on the porch, and made sort of friends with another neighborhood bad cat who looked lots like her, dubbed Penelope Muffin Jones. Once P. Muffin got in the house and hid for 4 days while Des was made to look as if she had made naughty messes, which were completely out of her character. When Mike and I finally discovered and ousted P. Muffin from the house with the broom, Desdemona helped us, following her and spitting and hissing at her all the way.

Des didn’t like a lot of animals. We had lots of roommates with lots of other cats and the occasional dog, and there were only certain cats who she could tolerate, the ones who would let her retain her queenly status. The others she tortured mercilessly. Dogs she avoided at all costs, though she recently began to tolerate, Akita, Mary’s dog that is our neighbor and who she had been raised with in the 1st Street house. But my, did she love people. Especially the gentlemen! But Des was a lover of humanity, a party cat who was famous for lap surfing at parties, or sitting in the middle of a circle of friends, certain that had gathered to gaze upon her beauty. She could be demanding, but was so worthy of worship that there was little to do but surrender.

In SF, Des was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through a radical mastectomy. I was told she would not likely last more that 6 months after that. That was 4 years ago. Last year in March, she was clearly and suddenly sick. I found out she was FIV positive, kitty cat AIDS, basically, and that her renal system was beginning to fail. Antibiotics cleared up the infection that had caused her to feel so bad that she showed symptoms I could even see. She rallied once again and I gave her daily medication and routine subcutaneous fluid injections, and other than her peeing more than before and drinking more water, she behaved like she always had, and still loved to run and play. No one could believe that she was 15 years old, she looked and behaved like a much younger cat. Lately she developed the wonderful habit of crawling under the covers and sticking her cold paws against me to get warm. I loved that, it made me feel so special.

Desdemona, aka Rona Tona, Des, Desmo, Desdonoma, Mrrt, Brrt, The Sterrorist, and sometimes Miss Miss ended her amazing journey through this earthly plane on Friday, February 1st, 2008. The night before I noticed something was wrong and had a feeling she may not make it through the night. I held her while she purred weakly, but she soon wanted to jump down from the bed.. I found her barely hanging on the next morning, curled up under my bed. I took her to the vet and they ran tests that showed she had another infection and her renal system had deteriorated dramatically. She was in critical condition, and I had the choice to end her suffering immediately, or hospitalize her for 4 or 5 days while they tried different treatments to coax her back to life, which may or may not have worked.

But I knew in my heart that this was it. She had hurt and fought enough in her life, and I didn’t want her to suffer more, or even to have another miraculous recovery that would only be followed by the same series of events after a shorter duration of respite. I felt it would be selfish of me to ask that of her again. The fact that she made it as far as she did was so miraculous. It was a terrible decision to have to make and I will surely never fully recover from the loss. I held her in my arms in a way she never permitted me to for long previously and we looked at each other for a long time. I think she understood what was happening. She was dignified to the end, and passed without even a whimper. That cat was tough as nails, and regal, and absolutely archetypal. An Egyptian temple cat, a Bast and a Sekmet all in one.

She and I raised one another in so many ways. I knew her longer than I have known almost anyone and she was a comfort to me in so many times of sadness, and always in tune with me on a level that was profound and enlightening. In a way, maybe when she saw me packing for yet another move, she just let go. This far, and no further. And I doubt very much she would have been as happy in my studio apartment with no access to the outside world. So I keep trying to tell myself that it all happened for a reason. All I know is that I was extremely fortunate to have such a wonderful furry friend in my life this long, and that I will never be the same without her. I hope she is somewhere in green grass, bossing around the lesser cats, chasing small rodents and having all the ice cream she can eat. She really loved ice cream.

I really loved her. Always will.
Goodnight, my sweet girl.
My furry lady.
Sigh.

Train Kept A'Rollin'...

All night long. In my new tradition of writing one or two posts a month, here I am, in late November, finally in a moment that I not only could write a post, and should write a post, but actually want to write a post. There are some things I haven't been telling you. In a way, I have hoped to speed this year towards its end as quickly and quietly as possible. But heck, it's close enough, and like Jen Sunshine says, the end is in sight, the holidays are upon us, and advancing like a god damned freight train. You cannot stop the inevitable.

So.

Things about this year I have not mentioned, and should have:

1) Portland. Me, Jen, Shy, and Kristen surprised the heck out of one Miss Brandy in late September, with the help of Amber, Sam, and Emily. It was a golden weekend spent squealing, karaoke-ing, imbibing in the best substances nature has to offer, rolling around on grassy knolls, skipping through trees, hugging, eating Samson's estimable cooking, laughing, talking, and rejoicing. It was a cosmic weekend of beauty and happiness, one for the history books, and I am so glad I had the opportunity to attend.

2) Lisa came to town. My god, did we have fun. We talked to artists in Venice and Santa Monica and ate well and read cards and heard live music and caught up and drank French wines and sewed and knitted and just were at such ease. I had forgotten just how wonderful it was to be around her for an extended period of time, as every time I go to SF we are lucky to even get two hours alone. She has broken through the chains of her former life and is branching out on her own and I could not be more proud. 

3) Halloween. I dressed up as Desire, from The Sandman comics, and I must say, it was a pretty good costume. Not only that, but the character suits me well. While Lisa was here, I sewed the heart for my red jacket, and I had forgotten how much I enjoy crafts like that. Mikey was a spot-on Han Solo, Mary and Aaron rocked Ursa and Zod, and Adriana and David were a wonderful Lady Aberlaine and Mr. Rogers. And I was introduced to Hennessey and let's just say, "it's good in cider."

4) Thanksgiving. Me and the above Halloween stars (sans David, down with the flu- Boo! Hiss!) hosted a baker's dozen of lovelies at our duplex house. Dinner on one side and dessert and games on the other. The food was wonderful, the company was even better. Someday I will make my sister's rolls correctly. Someday. I am still enjoying leftovers. My personal favorite? Mashed sage sweet potatoes. Yowza.

5) I'M FUCKING DIVORCED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry to sound so crass, but it's been a hell of a road. November 5th was the day, and it feels good to be a free woman. I have said little about the details of it all, not out of any sense of decorum, but out being financially blackmailed. Well, the ex has no hold on me now, financial or otherwise, so I am free to say anything I feel. And what do I feel? Quite simply- relieved, at peace, and alive again.

6) Brandy and I have started work on the Dorothy Parker play, in earnest. This one has been a long time coming, it is the 2nd in a series of plays we hae planned focusing on female writers of the 1920's. She and I have been through a few whirlwinds in the past years and could not settle down to our respective desks, though we have itched to. Now is the time. And there is very little that I enjoy more in this world than writing a play with Miss Brandy.

7) The best for last: I've been seeing an intelligent, talented and lovely man (not to mention hilarious, sexy and cute) that I deeply respect and admire for about 6 months now. I have never experienced anything quite this satisfying or interesting in my myriad romantic adventures. Nor did I ever expect to. Do I know where it's "going"? Nope. Am I enjoying it for where it is at this very minute? Oh my, yes. Soon, we are finally going to get a weekend together out of town together and I can barely contain my glee at the prospect of having him alone for 48 hours. Bliss.

Quite simply, the universe is taking care of me. I don't have a ton of money, or a hot shot career, or concrete plans for the duration of this lifetime. But I do have friends, love, and a shiny thing called hope in absolute spades.

  

Afternoon Delight

Anytime I want it, that’s the way I need it. This is going to come as a shock to me. I never knew it could be this way. At first I wasn’t sure about it. What it was. I didn’t expect it to happen so fast. One day I was driving and suddenly, I was smiling stupidly. I have lost the bad thoughts that blackened my brain for so long. They have been replaced with pure unadulterated delicious nothing. Cotton candy. Empty comic book dialog bubbles, slightly tinged with pink. I can’t get over it. That I’ve gotten over it. That without a warning, I somehow disconnected with the despair that has been worming round my heart for far too long. I couldn’t even find it if I wanted to look for it. I never in a million years thought I would be this happy. So happy with so little. I don’t have much, but what I have is shiny. An invisible necklace of warm gold is resting around my throat, which is beginning to open once again. My little ticker is ticking. I have lovely dark pink velvet vibrations dressing my skin like a robe. Everywhere that I walk, it clothes me. The veil has fallen. Around me is everything for the taking, the colors are alive and so am I. I sing to myself. My heart overflows. I cannot express my gratitude for this new vision. My dreams are full of arcane knowledge, wisdom, force and power. My life is full of friends. My web is stretched in accordance with nature and it vibrates sweetly. Sometimes it just makes me cry with joy…I thought you all should know.

QotD: Life Lesson

What experience or moment in your life have you learned the most from? 
Submitted by AngieK. 

    The moment I first stepped on stage in the 7th grade. Thank you, Mrs. Smith! It was then that I realized there was away to step out of the normal circumstances of my humble life and my tragic family, and dream out loud. I was placed upon a different path, where I was free to imagine a different life for myself, to manufacture a brand new past, present and future. Had it not been for theatre, I may have never gone to college. It was the only thing I was ever interested in, besides literature and other artistic topics.

    Had I not gone to college, I would not have some of the wonderful friends I do today, or all of the special memories I have revolving around rehearsals, theatre parties, performances, stage romances, etc, etc, etc. What would my life have turned into had I not worked full time while attending classes, then rehearsing at night and partying until dawn? Think of the conversations, the hilarity, the exhilarated exhaustion, and the other priceless emotions I would have missed. I may never have learned I had a knack for hand sewing, or directing, or cobbling plays together, or raising money, or running a business, or even hanging lights. Having to deal with individual stresses in each particular production does make us more apt to adapt to changes in our "real" lives.

    The theory that the show must go on is one that has held true for me through many hardships in my personal life, and I thank Eris for it. "Laugh now, cry later, ese!" (That's a cholo explaining his comedy and tragedy tattoo on his arm, bro.) Without drama I would maybe have become just another person who does not often question the world they operate in. I tend to often see the subtext in situations now, and I'm able to understand why peoples' particular motivations in life cause them to behave in the often silly ways they do. Theatre has been my solace in times of darkness. I wrote my first play in one night after a particularly rough romance. I have had relationships begin and end upon the stage- some quickly, and some filling years and years.

    I have helped run theatres, sometime nearly into the ground, and have fought like hell with those who do not agree with my artistic beliefs and would try to push me in a direction I do not believe in. Many directors have bullied and injured me, sometimes to a good end, but sometimes to bad. In directing, I have tried to treat others as I would be treated. In writing, I have tried to assemble words that I myself would not mind saying. As an actor, I have tried to do justice of some sort, to the intentions of the playwright and director. This triangular relationship is tricky, but so rewarding if you get it even a little bit right.

    I have thrown myself headlong into projects when the rest of my life is falling to pieces around me. I have exorcised demons in my work, unburdened my soul of a few particular fears, and so on and so on and so on ad infinitum. Theatre has just taught me so terribly much about myself- what my limits are, what my heart desires, what I can accept, what I can't put up with ever again. For me, theatre has been and remains my greatest teacher, the people who I have made art with are generally the dearest to my heart, and they teach me lessons constantly.

    I'm not saying it has all made me more ambitious, or financially stable, or that I earn my measly keep from making art- but I have never cared about that. Sure, I wouldn't poo poo it if it happened to work out someday, but it has never been why I am in  it. I am in it because I cannot stop myself. And I mean that quite literally. Even if I take breaks, and I have taken many, it always calls my name again and I come running, or perhaps limping, back to the boards. I know for a fact that it has saved my life so many times, in so many ways. So, yeah. that would be the moment. 12 years old, drifting uncertainly in an unfriendly world, moving from place to place with no real roots until Kathy Smith asked me to try out for a show. That, for me, has been the connection point to everything.